A Stoner’s Sad Haiku
Trees are meant to burn,
As hearts are to be broken.
O, the bridges we cross.
Trees are meant to burn,
As hearts are to be broken.
O, the bridges we cross.
I’M GOING FUCKING CRAZY.
guess what! you’re all freaks! and i hate you :) ra ra ra ra ra meeeeeep
But I’ve been busy and lost-minded the way it is in a dream, all fast and loose and happy and sad and this and that like a Faulkner novel but I’m waking up. I’m slowly waking up. Within the dream itself, I’m realizing that I’m living in a dream and that this life of mine here and now is crazy and great and fun and comfortable and perfect and I don’t want to wake up because I feel like this is so me and where I’m supposed to be and for the first time in life, I’ve never been so afraid of everything changing.
Seunghee’s back in Siheung. Sam is gone, in Singapore, then Australia, then Hong Kong, then Canada. Louis leaves for Spain tomorrow. I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to savor every last moment that I could with them, some of the closest people to me in this life. And them leaving up till now has been so surreal, unreal really, just weird and awkward but not like anything changes. But the life I’ve lived now for the last year which has become such a part of me, the greatest adventure in my entire life, is slowly crumbling around me and to be frank it really just blows.
But I’m still here, living it out. I have three more weeks to stick it out with those remnants of this dream-like nature of mine and I don’t know whether it’s a blessing to continue what’s left or a curse to watch the well dry up when it all could’ve just ended with a big ol’ bang.
But I’m happy. I’m really happy. It’s bittersweet having to let it all go, but it’s not so bad. I guess the biggest difference between this dream and every other I’ve had is that this is one dream that I can never forget. I’ll come back to it too. It’ll be different. It won’t all be here. It’ll be there and over there and in Spain and in Germany and at home and in here. And that’s a really really good thing. A really really good dream. The one I’ll stick in glass jar and open up now and then when the time is right. And I’ll make the time right because I can.
I got this jar o’ dream and I can still hear everyone’s voices in my head even though they’re not around anymore. And that’s fine. I’ll see you all of you guys again soon. The end’s never the end. So goodbye till next time.
It’s about that time again. I’ve only about two more months left in Seoul. I have to start picking classes for back home next week, and it’s a reminder of how much the future is freaking me out.
Planning out what to do with the time I have left, as well as the things I have to do. I have to figure out my whole citizenship status with the embassy to ensure my coming back or not in the future, and I have to travel back down to 전라도 to visit family before leaving.
Planning and planning, and I’ve also pretty much got the next 5 years of my life roughly mapped out. I’ve got the next three semesters’ classes all scheduled so that I can graduate by winter 2013.
Once I get back to the states however, it’ll be a busy, busy rush of trying to find a place to live some 800 miles away, and organizing play dates with people for the two or so weeks I’ll be in San Diego, and spending time with family, and figuring out when and how I can get all my shit back to me in San Fran. Gotta get plane tickets and blah…
Then it’ll be study, study, study, find a job, find a job, find a job, be a buddy, be a buddy, be a buddy, play, play, play, study, study, study, and I HAVE TO STUDY REALLY REALLY HARD because I have to get intro graduate school so I don’t have to join the real world yet because it’s scary and it’s nice when your parents can always take care of you, but they can’t always take care of you, and I don’t want them to because it’s an economic crisis and I don’t like asking people for money.
So SCHOLARSHIPS, SCHOLARSHIPS, SCHOLARSHIPS.
Blahhh, maybe if I get enough scholarships I can go to Europe with that. I want to go to Europe. I’ve never been. I wanna visit Alejandro and Louis in Spain and eat jamon and wine, and then go to France and meet Bejamin and party and drink wine and eat cheese and go to Dutch coffee shops and eat German sausages with German beer and play with Bartosz at a beer garden and say that I want two beers instead of one, please, and then go eat falafel and stuff.
And then back to Korea and teach and make money but not in Seoul because that’ll be too hard especially cause I’m not white, so maybe somewhere else like Jeon-Ju or something, because that’s fine, and I have family there. Staying in 경기도 would be nice too but I don’t know. I guess 인천 could be cool too, but wherever they’ll hire me is fine really. Then Yonsei!!! And for one of those semesters go abroad again for the dual-degree program or whatever, because that sounds cool to have heh heh.
But I’m very aware that all I have set for the future may change, so yeah. I wonder how they might change… I kind of hope they don’t. I’m very happy with the trajectory of my life right now. Yay! and when 황수 comes back, it’ll be even more fun!
Because they’re over and thank 신라!!! Baha…ha… I’m a nerd.
So who the fuck gets fucking trashed on the Monday of midterms week and screams like dicks till 5:00 in the morning??? Oh yeah, these new dumb fuck int’l kids who are just retard-iculous.
Like, okay, I understand there were Koreans at the pond drunk and shoutin’ till late in the night too, but it wasn’t Koreans barging into my dorm room at 4:00AM and being stupid punk loud up and down the dorms for an hour the night before my midterm exam, like
DEAR CHILDREN: IS THERE NO SUCH CONCEPT OF MANNERS IN THE WEST? OH WAIT, I’M FROM THERE. AND THERE IS. SO GO FUCK YOURSELVES.
FYI, my midterm for Korean that day went terribly. I don’t blame the noise. I was really not prepared for that test. I blame the teacher, and I know that’s not necessarily mature because if I don’t know the material that’s my fault, but seriously Miss Just-Came-Out-of-a-Cooking-Show, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO TEACH US. NOT JUST TALK ABOUT CRAP LIKE HOW YOUR SISTER MARRIED A FRENCH GUY AND WHAT YOUR PARENTS THOUGHT ABOUT THAT AND THEN SPEND A WEEK AND A HALF OF CLASS TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE CULTURE AND THEN NOT HAVE IT ON THE TEST. LIKE COOL THANKS. But it seems like all the kids in all her classes felt the same as me. (NOW MAYBE PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND WHY I HATED HER FROM THE BEGINNING)
Midterm for 중지연 — Society and Culture of China — went well, but it was a cake-walk. I feel bad for the Korean students in that class because this class is in English and I’m worried that they might not have done very well.
Midterm for Korean History was… better than I expected but I’m still worried about it… There were nine questions, 8 of which were 10 points each and the last one was 20 points. The professor let me answer in English (well actually he let the whole class, and he let Ayaka answer in Japanese), and he suggested a Korean history book in English to study for the class also but… that book isn’t as comprehensive as the Korean one we use. Anyway, I only knew enough to answer seven questions, and I didn’t write anything for the other two because I really had to pee so I was just like, meh, fuck it. So best case scenario I can get 70 out of 100 points, but hopefully the professor cuts me some slack for being a foreigner?
Oh well, it’s all over now and I’ve pretty much just been playing ever since. Really excited for my plans tomorrow YAY. Finally getting out of the university area again for once.